The Pickled Cockle

Just like that other satirical publication, only with half the funny, one-sixteenth the notoriety... but two times the cockles.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Gay Community Announces Jihad On Hollywood

Los Angeles - In response to Sunday night's snubbing of Brokeback Mountain at the Screen Actors Guild Awards, members of GLAAD have joined forces with the NGLTF to announce a united gay jihad on members of the Hollywood community. Both organizations have threatened to collectively blow their WAD (Weapons of Ass Destruction) at prominent Hollywood establishments in retaliation for the gay cowboy themed film being shut out at the ceremony.

"This is an act that will not go unpunished," said one high-ranking GLAAD official.

The CIA has reportedly already begun setting up surveillance at key West Hollywood locations in an attempt to intercept any and all information that would disrupt the homicidal gay agenda.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Brokeback Transcends Mediums; Garners Grammy, Tony Nods

Los Angeles - In a move that has rocked the entertainment world, spokesmen for the Grammy and Tony awards today both announced nominations honoring the critically acclaimed film. "We have had individual artists cross over genres in the past," said Thomas Harryhausen, head of the Recording Academy. "It was only a matter of time before some work came along that crossed over entire entertainment medium. Ang Lee's heart-breaking masterpiece is just the thing to do it."

American Theater Wing President Howard Sherman noted, "This film speaks to so many people on so many different levels. It is by far the most socially important work to grace our nation since Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation. Personally, I felt it would be wrong for the Tony's not to honor it in some way."

A few of the categories the film is up for:
Grammys -
** Best Country Album That Is Really Not A Country Album But Rather A Film About Gay Cowboys
** Best Country Performance By A Duo Or Group In Which No Musical Ability Is Displayed But Damn Wasn't That Tent Scene Hot
** Best Rap Album
Tonys -
** Best Revival Of A Musical That Is Neither A Musical Nor In Need Of Reviving (With Gay Cowboys)
** Best Performance By A Featured Actor Wearing Chaps Who Makes Out With Men That Takes Place On Film Instead Of Live On Stage
** Best Choreography

While these nominations will undoubtedly give the film more exposure, some gay-rights groups remain unhappy. In a statement released shortly after this news broke, a spokesman for GLAAD stated, "Brokeback Mountain is the definitive social statement of the gay community. The fact that it has been overlooked by organizations such as the Emmys and the Essence Awards should be seen as nothing more than pure, unadulterated homophobia."

The Grammys air on February 8th with the Tonys following on June 11th.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Alito's Hidden Agenda

Washington - Since President Bush's nomination of Samuel Alito for Supreme Court Justice at the end of October, Democrats in Congress have been growing increasingly distraught over the nominee's would-be impact on issues such as Roe v. Wade. The recent confirmation process, split down party lines, illustrated the left's fears that Alito's addition will solidify the high court's ability to reverse the monumental abortion case. However, new evidence suggests that Alito's agenda would not stop there. Apart from his strong desire to overrule Fox and name Clay Aiken as the official winner of American Idol's second season, a source close to the Pickled Cockle says that once that and the abortion issue are taken care of, Alito intends to overturn the Ten Commandments.

"Normally, this would be great for us," states Democratic Senator, Ted Kennedy. "The strict moral codes that were given to Noah during the 17 Plagues.... Or was it Cain during The Flood...? Regardless, the reversal of these "laws of God" would inherently make my job as a Democrat much easier. For starters, I wouldn't have to keep pretending I like Jesus and his three friends just to get a few votes here and there anymore. And the fact that the whole 'thou shalt not covet' thing would no longer be in effect... How could that not be a good thing?"

Senator Boxer however, suspects that getting rid of the Ten Commandments is just the tip of the iceberg for Alito. "I have reason to believe that, once rid of the originals, he would impose his own set of moral guidelines on the nation. Ones that could in fact be even more stricter." When asked why she feels that way, she pulled out a stone tablet with the following chiseled into it, allegedly in Alito's handwriting:

Alito's Ways
1. Thou shalt not fuck up...
2. ...Ever.
3. Thou shalt not make my wife cry for if thou does, the full fury, wrath, and stoicism of The Almighty ALITO shall rain Hell down upon thee.
4. Thou shalt piss thous pants with laughter whenever The Almighty ALITO makes a funny.
5. Thou shalt not scrunch the TP after going #2. Thou shalt always fold. In half once, and then again. To prevent chafing.
6. Thou shalt kick a liberal every Wednesday, with full-on group muggings to be carried out the second Thursday of every month.
7. Thou shalt make it a point to pet a kitten at least once a day. Even if thou'st allergic.
8. Thou shalt proclaim "Alito-lujah!" upon reading or hearing The Almighty ALITO'S Name. (Bowing, groveling, and general ass-kissing to be done when within 75 yards of The Almighty ALITO.)
9. Thou shalt shop at Wal-Mart and thou'st will like it. On second thought, Wal-Mart shalst be renamed "ALITO-WORLD". (Rule still applies during name transition.)
10. Thou shalt refer to the sitting president as "ALITO's Little Bitch". This includes press conferences, state dinners, and events in the Rose Garden. It applies to the press, foreign heads of state, and the president himself. In the event the president is a woman, it's "ALITO's Slutty Whore."
.... And it will be good.

Full Senate confirmation is expected later this week.