The Pickled Cockle

Just like that other satirical publication, only with half the funny, one-sixteenth the notoriety... but two times the cockles.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Alito's Hidden Agenda

Washington - Since President Bush's nomination of Samuel Alito for Supreme Court Justice at the end of October, Democrats in Congress have been growing increasingly distraught over the nominee's would-be impact on issues such as Roe v. Wade. The recent confirmation process, split down party lines, illustrated the left's fears that Alito's addition will solidify the high court's ability to reverse the monumental abortion case. However, new evidence suggests that Alito's agenda would not stop there. Apart from his strong desire to overrule Fox and name Clay Aiken as the official winner of American Idol's second season, a source close to the Pickled Cockle says that once that and the abortion issue are taken care of, Alito intends to overturn the Ten Commandments.

"Normally, this would be great for us," states Democratic Senator, Ted Kennedy. "The strict moral codes that were given to Noah during the 17 Plagues.... Or was it Cain during The Flood...? Regardless, the reversal of these "laws of God" would inherently make my job as a Democrat much easier. For starters, I wouldn't have to keep pretending I like Jesus and his three friends just to get a few votes here and there anymore. And the fact that the whole 'thou shalt not covet' thing would no longer be in effect... How could that not be a good thing?"

Senator Boxer however, suspects that getting rid of the Ten Commandments is just the tip of the iceberg for Alito. "I have reason to believe that, once rid of the originals, he would impose his own set of moral guidelines on the nation. Ones that could in fact be even more stricter." When asked why she feels that way, she pulled out a stone tablet with the following chiseled into it, allegedly in Alito's handwriting:

Alito's Ways
1. Thou shalt not fuck up...
2. ...Ever.
3. Thou shalt not make my wife cry for if thou does, the full fury, wrath, and stoicism of The Almighty ALITO shall rain Hell down upon thee.
4. Thou shalt piss thous pants with laughter whenever The Almighty ALITO makes a funny.
5. Thou shalt not scrunch the TP after going #2. Thou shalt always fold. In half once, and then again. To prevent chafing.
6. Thou shalt kick a liberal every Wednesday, with full-on group muggings to be carried out the second Thursday of every month.
7. Thou shalt make it a point to pet a kitten at least once a day. Even if thou'st allergic.
8. Thou shalt proclaim "Alito-lujah!" upon reading or hearing The Almighty ALITO'S Name. (Bowing, groveling, and general ass-kissing to be done when within 75 yards of The Almighty ALITO.)
9. Thou shalt shop at Wal-Mart and thou'st will like it. On second thought, Wal-Mart shalst be renamed "ALITO-WORLD". (Rule still applies during name transition.)
10. Thou shalt refer to the sitting president as "ALITO's Little Bitch". This includes press conferences, state dinners, and events in the Rose Garden. It applies to the press, foreign heads of state, and the president himself. In the event the president is a woman, it's "ALITO's Slutty Whore."
.... And it will be good.

Full Senate confirmation is expected later this week.